Vantas is Dressing Like a Girl and Other Stories
by bb88
Summary: The mini misadventures of a chronic coolkid, a walking temper tantrum, and that other guy. High school AU. Mild Dave/Karkat/Eridan. For captchalogue.
1. Vantas is Dressing Like a Girl

Karkat was going to die of suffocation by his own hand, literally, Eridan was sure. He hadn't come up for air after shoving his face into his palm about two minutes ago, when Feferi, the student president, had announced the winning event for the holiday festivities had been, by a landslide, a crossdressing contest. Participation wasn't mandatory, of course. HOWEVER. The reward for taking part in the event was fifty extra credit points. If there was anything Eridan knew about Karkat, it was that he would do anything to boost his dismal grades. _Anything_. It was no one's fault but his own, though. Karkat somehow managed to- everyday, without fail- ensure that he and his homework would be no less than five miles apart. Eridan knew he did it too. But somehow…it never _reached the teacher_. Despite explaining this until he was blue in the face each morning, the teacher refused to take pity on his apparent magnetic polarization to his homework, thus resulting in his constant near-failing of class. It was only his extreme extra credit garnering skills and his classwork that somehow managed to get him to a high B. And if there was anything else Eridan knew about Karkat…it was the apoplectic expression on his newly emerged face. Screw a high B. Karkat was reaching for an A.

Eridan hung around after the bell rang, plunking his butt down on Karkat's desk. Karkat was obviously lost in thought, as he was shoving all of his stuff _outside _of his backpack. Eridan picked it up and held it out to him.

"Penny for your thoughts, Kar?" His response was a rather gruesome glare. "Come on. You're goin' a get wrinkles. Have some pride in your youth." Karkat's scowl deepened. Eridan ignored it. "So I was thinkin'…since you're obviously gonna do the whole crossdressing thing…I figured I'd help you out and lend you some of my sister's shit…" Karkat just growled.

"Listen, idiot, since when is it a known fact that I jump at the chance to dress like a fucking girl? Is this common knowledge? Does everyone else know this? When were they going to fucking tell me?" Eridan sighed, jumping to his feet and following Karkat as he stormed out of the classroom. His legs were so short, it wasn't even a challenge to keep up with him.

"Come on, Karkat, every time extra credit happens, you're all over it like a small child on Nutella." Karkat whirled to face him, walking backwards.

"I'm. Not. Dressing. Like. A GIRL!" He punctuated it by tripping spectacularly.

"Vantas is dressing like a girl?" Karkat's face was priceless right now. Eridan helped him up out of a strange sense of pity. He turned to see probably the last person Karkat wanted to talk to. Ever.

"Hey Dave." Dave Strider stood there, as stone-faced as he ever was. The apathy in the air was almost palpable around him.

"Sup, Eridan. Vantas." Eridan could almost see the corner of Dave's mouth twitch upward if he really tried. "So you're doing that contest?" Before Karkat could screech something obnoxious at Dave, Eridan spoke up.

"Extra credit," he offered simply. Dave nodded knowingly.

"Ok. I get that. Vantas is all up in anyone's area for points. Actually…hey, Vantas, one of my many redundant dates cancelled on me for tonight, so I have five minutes before her understudy can get a ride to my place. If you're feeling kinda freaky, I'll give you extra credit if you-" Both Eridan and Dave covered their ears as Karkat exploded in a sonic boom of insults. Eridan had to admire the impressive set of lungs the guy possessed, even as he dragged Karkat bodily away from Dave, who waved as he bid farewell. "I'll see you around seven then, you know what I like man!"

"Eridan, get the fuck away from me with that dress." Eridan held the brightly colored summer dress out from his body.

"What, is it too bright or something?" Karkat was giving him a very impressive stank eye now. "Come on, Kar, let's just do this with the least amount 'a trouble. I make you look good, you win, you get extra credit points. Yeah?" Karkat flopped down on the poofy pink ottoman, flinging an arm over his eyes in despair. Eridan thought his entirely black attire was charming against the weird pastel puffy décor thing going on in his sister's humongous room. He threw a ruffly tube top on Karkat's stomach. "Luckily, you're pretty skinny and short. You won't look too ugly as a chick. The big problem is you have absolutely no curves or nothin'." Karkat huffed and flailed once.

"THE BIG PROBLEM IS WHY THE FUCK DID THEY- …CROSSDRESSING. _CROSSDRESSING_. WHY COULDN'T IT BE A…FUCK, A MOVIE TRIVIA CONTEST OR SOMETHING. MY LIFE IS A DARK ROOM. A BIG, DARK ROOM." Eridan sighed and raised an eyebrow at the prophet of doom rolling around on the frilly pillows.

"Hey, easy on those things. They're like…designer. Things. Pillows." Karkat shoved the corner of one into his mouth and bit it. "Ugh. You little weirdo." He snagged Karkat's leg and dragged him off the ottoman, trying to stick his legs into some girly Capri pants. "It's freakish how you can fit into my sister's pants." Well, when you aren't flipping the fuck out like that, he added mentally after Karkat was done trying to break his face. While they were both breathing heavily on the side after the scuffle, Eridan took the opportunity to quickly lean over Karkat and fasten the buttons of the dress he had been lying on top of. The sight of Karkat halfway into a delicate white dress with tiny puff sleeves was definitely worth his glasses being ripped off his face and slammed onto the floor. It wasn't like he didn't have an entire closet full of identical pairs.

Sometime after Karkat had left for one of his numerous tutoring sessions, Eridan sat in his huge bathtub, a pensive expression on his face. He was fully prepared to enter the contest if it would convice Karkat to join. After all, he was a student ambassador. As such, he couldn't let one of the students he deigned to associate with on a daily basis have such bad grades. In addition, he should participate in as many school events in the public eye as possible. It was like killing two birds with one stone, if you didn't count the tiny tiny boost of motivation that was the fact that Eridan _really _wanted to see Karkat in a dress. Karkat still didn't seem convinced though. Eridan stewed in thought for a few more minutes, before it hit him. He grabbed the phone that hung next to the tub.

Eridan searched out Karkat immediately the next day, and found him in a hallway, bitching to Sollux (ugh) about something.

"Kar! Huge news!" Sollux gave Eridan an annoyingly dismissive look, and patted Karkat on the shoulder.

"Later, KK." Karkat 'hmm'ed and crossed his arms, eyeing Eridan.

"Ok. I'm fucking dying to know. Do tell." Karkat's voice was flat, but Eridan knew it wouldn't be after he heard the 'big news'.

"Dave-," he threw in some stammering to make it believable, "Dave Strider is enterin' the contest." Karkat's eyes were of a rather impressive size.

"WHAT THE _FUCK._ WHY?" Eridan shook his head helplessly.

"Who knows. He just…ugh. I don't know, he just is. He said he'll win it, too." Karkat's eyes narrowed furiously. Eridan admired the way Karkat somehow exposed all of his teeth when he was angry.

"FUCK NO. This is mine. THIS CONTEST IS MINE." Eridan casually flipped his scarf over his shoulder.

"So you should probably definitely come over and let me pick an outfit. Seriously. You're hopeless right now. You'd definitely lose." Karkat looked at him like a chupacabra would look at a goat.

"TAKE ME THERE. NOW. WE NEED TO DO THIS."

"Kar…it's eight A.M. in the morning. We have like six hours of classes to go." Karkat visibly seethed a bit, then took a breath and dialed his anger down to mere "huge bitch" levels.

"Okay. Fuck. But I'm coming over tonight after tutoring. FUCK!" Karkat always seemed to be thinking of a million things that made him angry. But whatever. Everything was going according to Eridan's plan.

The second Karkat stepped into Eridan's (elegantly spacious) room, Eridan knew what he was going to say before he said it. Anyone would, really.

"What. The. SHIT. ERIDAN. WHAT IS HE DOING HERE YOU CRAZY -FUCKCKCKCKCK!" The object of Karkat's ire scratched his side idly.

"Wow, Vantas, you really have the genteel womanly charm down. Be still, my heart." Eridan subtly grabbed Karkat's wrist, and as expected, it attempted to lunge forward not a half second later. Wow, his pulse was going murderously crazy.

"Don't have a heart attack, Kar. He asked me for help with his contest entry after class. I'm in demand with this stuff, y'know?" Ugh, Karkat's face was totally red. He led his malfunctioning friend to sit on the dark purple couch. Dave, slouched on another couch, looking almost uncomfortably comfortable, nodded.

"Yeah, _Kar_, Eridan is practically famous for, uh, dressing guys like girls. Not vice versa though." _Bullshiiitt, Dave. Eridan was a fucking _magician. "Shouldn't be too hard to make me look good. I have this bad habit of being really attractive no matter what I do, as you've probably already noticed." _That's right, Karkat. Deep breaths._ Karkat ran his hands through his hair, curling them into fists for a second.

"F-fine. Whatever, Just...let's get this the fuck over with." Dave nodded, in his weird not-really-moving way, and looked at Eridan.

"We need beats, Amp. And please, none of that weird boho shit, I said beats, not snaps." Eridan crossed his arms.

"Whatever, my taste in music is excellent. You're just bitter I find the best bands before you can even be aware of the instruments they use." Dave shoved off the bed, pulling a CD out from…somewhere on his person.

"See, that's exactly what I mean, man. Luckily I brought my emergency rations." He popped it in the stereo, examining the gigantic speaker system appreciatively. "You are starving these things, they crave bass." Eridan sidled over to Karkat, who was currently sitting on the couch, covering his face with his hands.

"Ok, Kar, time to get pretty." A rhythmic bass filled the room. Karkat groaned.

"I fucking hate this school."

The whole dressing thing was not going well. Dave was currently wearing a bandage dress over his normal attire. Creating the illusion of hips was becoming an issue, as well as body hair. As well as everything. In Karkat's case, he was avoiding the matter and hadn't been successfully forced into anything yet, instead choosing to wait out Dave's turn, laughing hysterically. At least he wasn't angry anymore. Dave turned to examine his backside in the mirror, tugging the top of the dress up.

"Y'know, Dave, it'd be easier if you took your jeans and shit off," Eridan sighed, gathering various articles of clothing on his arm. Karkat scoffed.

"Yeah, Dave, go for it. I know you're shy about your weight, but I promise we won't laugh." Dave almost smirked.

"Down, Vantas. Your excitement over seeing me sans clothes is flattering." Karkat scowled deeper, leaning his head back on the couch and closing his eyes. Eridan and Dave immediately glanced at each other.

"Wait. A few more minutes," Eridan said in a low murmur.

"Whatever you say, man. Did you pick something out yet?"

"I was thinking stirrup leggings, with some ballet flats, then a tent dress and a bolero. Or maybe this cropped jean jacket." Dave stared at him. It was a little unnerving since Eridan couldn't see his eyes behind the sunglasses.

"I'm gonna pretend I know exactly what you just said, and say it'll look great. Fabulous even."

"It will." Eridan eyed Karkat's still form. "Ok, let's do this." Dave shrugged, then strolled over to stand behind the couch, waiting for Eridan to get ready at Karkat's feet. They looked at each other for a minute, before moving. Dave twined his arms in a vice grip around Karkat's arms, which had been above his head in repose. The sudden fit Karkat had was immediate, but Eridan had already locked his legs under his arms and was shimmying a dress up over his jeans.

"WHAT THE FUCK AMPORA?" Eridan pulled the loose, bright dress up to his chest, pushing the shirt up as he went.

"Sorry, Kar, but we all knew you were not planning to get in a dress today. Just think of this as helpin' speed things along." Dave helped tug the shirt up past his arms and tossed it away.

"Dude, I don't know if I can admit this without crying, but…you might make a better girl than me. I mean, already, the difference. Crazy." Karkat threw out a few creative curses. Eridan tossed the jackets to Dave, who worked one over Karkat's arms. Now for the leggings. As Eridan began to tug at his jeans, Karkat flipped out even worse.

"CAN YOU STOP, YOU FUCKING…THIS IS SEXUAL ASSAULT!" Dave raised an eyebrow.

"You are on an entirely different page than us, apparently. Or a different book. Calm yourself. Just get in the damn dress." Eridan pulled his jeans loose.

"Tada." Karkat seemed frozen with shock. The dress fell prettily to about knee length. It hiked up a bit with a final twitch from Karkat. Dave whistled.

"You are pale as fuck, son." Karkat mumbled something. Eridan leaned forward.

"What was that?"

"JUST FUCKING FINISH," he spat, focusing angrily on the leggings in Eridan's hands. Eridan snorted, and worked the leggings up his legs. It was like trying to herd noodles, jegus. Finally, the deed was done. Karkat was released, and he launched off the couch, stumbling a little. He stared down at himself, still and silent.

"…I'd probably hit that," Dave offered. Karkat redirected his horror towards Dave, who was eyeing the ensemble with interest.

"Strider. Please repress your fucking…_romance _while I'm in the room. …And until you're out of that ridiculous dress."

"Wow. Vantas, really, if you can't help yourself, I'll undress. God." Karkat sputtered a bit, and Eridan interrupted before he could respond.

"Hey. If things are going to get hot in heavy and here…should I close the door?"

"Fuck yes, close it and padlock that ish. The window blinds too. I am going to make Vantas a happy woman over here." Eridan sighed, and closed the door, making sure to grab his camera on the way back.


	2. DELINQUENTS

Dave turned the 'volume' dial to the right.  
"Jegus, Dave, come on. Your ridiculous bass is physically harming me. Is it really necessary for it to be that loud?" Karkat complained over the music, forehead drawn with aggravation at everything, but especially at one thing: Dave Strider. Dave sat in the driver's seat, face impassive behind a pair of sunglasses.  
"My ride, my volume, sorry, ladies," Dave said, Texan drawl coloring his words. Next to him, a tall guy in (fake) glasses crossed his long legs up against the glove box before speaking.  
"He's got a point Kar, jus' go back to sleep." He then turned to Dave, swirling whatever was in his Starbucks cup. "Kar's kinda right though."  
"You know you love it, bro," Dave murmured, leaning forward to see if anyone was coming before peeling into a U-turn. His Integra whined as he hit the accelerator, bringing it up to a cool sixty miles per hour. Eridan didn't say anything, too busy examining a fingernail, and Karkat fell back to brood silently (for once). The overwhelming beat continued as Dave sped onwards to school (cool kids never get pulled over, but they also never speed in a school zone- five miles per hour is the fucking law, it keeps those kids safe, ok?), until some jerkface in a Celica decided to cut right in front of him. "Woa, ok."  
"What the fuck? Did you see that fool?" Eridan said, sneering with distaste. He stirred his drink faster. Karkat pulled himself up.  
"Goddammit Dave, if you can't settle the score with these fucking assholes on your own-" he was saying, awake now and full of (no doubt sadistically gleeful) anger.  
"Oh hell no, Karkat, sit the fuck down and close the window."  
"-I'll do it for you. PULL UP NEXT TO THIS INCREDIBLE FUCKHEAD, STRIDER. DO IT." Dave didn't sigh, but his mouth looked mildly exasperated (mostly apathetic, though), and did as he was told. Then he maintained speed and sat back to listen to the show. Karkat was in fine verbal form today-  
_oh man, that's a new one- I can't believe- wow_  
- spewing out one of the longest chains of uninterrupted insults Dave had heard to date-  
_I can't believe what he's making take place-_  
He probably should have kept an eye on Eridan, but he forgot that these two had no common sense when combined (not that they did when separated, but it was like a lack of common sense house party when they were together). He would have noticed Eridan popping the top of his Venti-Strawberries-&-Cream-Extra-Whip-with-Soy-Milk-Seven-Pumps-of-Espresso-and-Seven-Sugars, shaking a bag of chips into it, then aiming with expert precision at the other (confused) driver's open window. Dave just kept his focus straight ahead and on the road as the coffee bomb flew past. It sounded like a direct hit, judging from the wet thud and screams. He let Karkat artfully wrap up his sentence, then swerved off the road onto a side road. Karkat leaned out the window, throwing out a final "ENJOY YOUR BEVERAGE YOU ENORMOUS _FUCK_", before settling back in, curling up and muttering to himself. Eridan became annoyed when he was left hanging for a high five, and crossed his arms.  
"Dave, I'm needin' another Starbucks. That fucker ruined it." Dave made no other motion of acknowledgement than simply making the turn to the main road.


End file.
